Editor’s Note:
The following light-hearted list was contributed by readers and long-term expatriates living in Indonesia. It is intended as humorous reflection on the cultural adaptations, quirks, and experiences that many foreigners encounter during their time in Indonesia. Some observations reflect attitudes and situations from the period in which they were written and are shared in the spirit of humor and nostalgia.
If when you return to your native country you speak broken English for the next month.
If you say Aduh or Astaga when you are surprised about something instead of saying “Oh my goodness!”
If you carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer around in your bag all the time.
If you sit on the street and eat with your hands rather than in a restaurant with a knife and fork.
If you sit on the back of a motorbike as a passenger and don’t have to hold on to anything.
If you know every gang (alleyway) to slip down on your motorbike in Kuta to escape the police.
If you know that when the sky is full of stars it is going to pour so you prepare your rain poncho early.
If when you meet up with your Western friends in Indonesia and greet them with “Pagi… Apa kabar?” instead of “Good morning. How are you?”
If you now acknowledge your bed could just be a mattress on the floor.
If you now consider a hose on a rusty nail with cold water adequate for a shower.
If you can sleep in a room where lots of mosquitoes are flying.
If, even when the pedestrian light is green, you still look left and right before you cross.
If you buy your vegetables from the tukang sayur instead of the supermarket.
If you wear a thick coat on your motorcycle to deflect the heat.
If you impress your neighbours with photos of yourself drinking coffee with piles of cream and sticky sweet stuff on it in Starbucks.
If anyone can tell you enjoy riding your motorcycle because you have squashed bugs stuck all over your teeth.
If you wonder whether your grammar and spelling were ever as creative as what you sometimes see online.
If your Mum doesn’t want your new recipe for fish head curry.
If alcohol-free wedding receptions that last 25 minutes no longer seem weird.
If you automatically hide your supply of premium whisky when you hear your father-in-law is on the way to your house.
If you dream in Jakarta slang.
If you think BATS is kampungan because they don’t sell Teh Botol.
If it is classy to be seen paying for the international buffet, but you still load your plate with nasi goreng and krupuk.
If you think the best bit of a chicken is that crunchy stuff on the end of the leg bones.
If your wife keeps her engagement ring at the bank.
If your idea of a good joke is to lie about your age or call oxtail soup sop pantat.
If you gape at white foreigners as if they have rabbits growing out of their heads.
If you prefer warm beer and even warm water because cold beverages could cause masuk angin.
If you regard chicken heads and claws as a tasty treat, but consider McDonald’s even more classy.
If, as a contestant on Famili 100, you clap enthusiastically and smile happily even though your answer was incorrect.
If you can safely alight from a speeding MetroMini but still feel uneasy about using an escalator.
If you fantasize about Inul Daratista.
If, when buying food at the warung, you consider it perfectly normal behaviour to push ahead of anyone waiting to be served.
If the main reason you wear a jilbab outdoors is to avoid sunburn and pollution—and because it has a nice Hello Kitty print.
If a slumber party involves your friends coming over for rice, talking noisily while watching an action movie, and then everyone sleeping on a woven mat on the tiled floor.
If your plastic wall clock chimes tinny nursery-rhyme tunes every hour.
If your idea of an exciting night’s entertainment is to squat on the kerb and watch traffic and pedestrians go by.
If you no longer make phone calls on your handphone but simply send messages.
If you think cheeseburgers and french fries are “light food” that don’t fill you up because they aren’t served with rice.
If you go to McDonald’s and order fried chicken and rice.
If you serve important visitors to your home KFC as a status symbol.
If, when travelling in an un-airconditioned vehicle, you insist on a window seat so that you can ensure the window stays closed and avoid getting masuk angin.
If you feel uncomfortable going out into the heat and humidity of Jakarta wearing shorts, sandals, and a T-shirt.
If you have two cars and no garage.
If the cost of your handphone is equal to two months’ salary.
If you buy a new handphone twice per year.
If you wear your handphone around your neck on a little chain.
If you rate a handphone’s value by the number of extra features you will never use.
If you believe that Nokia is superior to all other brands simply because everybody else thinks so.
If you think Anyer is a beautiful, romantic, quiet place for a weekend getaway.
If you believe that fair skin is the ultimate beauty standard.
Visitors to the Expat Site have contributed to this article.
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