You Might be an Indonesian, If …

Here are a few things I picked up from trying to be an Indonesian…

You might be Indonesian if:

• Your stomach growls when you don’t eat rice for a day.
• You believe kecap ABC could turn bad cooking to gourmet food.
• You know more than 10 acronyms/abbreviations.
• You talk during a movie.
• You use a dipper instead of toilet paper in the bathroom.
• You eat fried rice in the morning.
• You prefer Versace or Moschino jeans over Gap or Levi’s.
• You don’t think Jim Carrey is funny.
• You think Onky Alexander is a hunk.
• You think Rhoma Irama is kampungan.
• You carry a 16 oz. jar of sambal to where ever you travel.
• Driving a car that is cheaper than $15,000 embarrasses you.
• You think dangdut is stupid, but listen to it anyway, because you are homesick.
• You are willing to travel 25 miles to buy tahu and tempeh.
• You are “Dreaming of a WARM Christmas”.
• You are very good at avoiding potholes and other road hazards.
• Your local McDonald’s serves rice and sambal.
• You think Super Mie is a staple food.
• You have ever tried passing a Rp 50 coin as a quarter in a US vending machine or pay phone.
• You have ever successfully bribed a police officer.
• You have ever successfully bribed a customs officer.
• When watching TV you regularly find that all the channels broadcast the same thing.
• You do your shopping in Singapore.
• Your drivers license claims you are 5 years older then you really are.
• You have ever legally bought pirated software or VCDs.
• You have ever been forced to memorize UUD’45.
• You have bought something from a barefooted street peddler.
• You know exactly how many islands Indonesia has.
• You have ever eaten something sold off a cart on wheels.
• You realized that money is everything before you were six.
• The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word “Jakarta” is “macet”.
• Someone you know has ever ridden on top of a train.
• Your daily commute includes thinking up new ways to ride the city bus for free.
• You don’t mind people being late.
• You think standing in line is a waste of time.
• You have tried every Monday of your youth trying to avoid upacara bendera.
• You have used a mosquito repellent that looks like a coil and is lit on one end.
• You use the terms “Ni yee”, “cai-lah” and “Ih, jijay” on daily basis.
• You know what Pancasila is, what it means and know it by heart.
• You complain that movies in America don’t have sub-titles.
• Your daily conversation may include enactments of TV commercials.
• You have ever consulted a dukun.
• Your whole class has ever cheated on a test, and gotten away with it.
• You have ever spent the night before an exam looking for someone who sells the questions.
• You like the smell of terasi.
• You think the Thomas Cup is equal to the Super Bowl.
• You can name a manufacturer of shuttlecocks and badminton birdies.
• You have a 16′ satellite dish hidden in your back yard.
• You have ever ridden in a motor vehicle with three wheels.
• You miss your maid on laundry day.
• Your clothing has brand names printed on it that are visible from 50′ away.
• You attend weddings only until you are done eating.
• You have attended weddings that you are not invited to.
• You go to McDonald’s to get your weekly supply of ketchup, salt, pepper and napkins.
• You know more than one music group that stole the tune of Cranberries’ “Zombie”.
• You have a can of Baygon on your kitchen table.
• You make major decisions based on gengsi.
• You take advantage of Wal-Mart’s 30-day money-back guarantee to “borrow” home appliances.
• Someone in your family has extra pockets in his outfit to hide cookies from the all-you-can-eat bar.
• You have paid more then $1,000 to get your name on your license plate.
• You carry your hand phone always, even to a ‘no service’ area.
• You think bribery as a ‘tip in advance’.
• You think of the road as a place to park.
• You fly Garuda just to get to know the stewardesses.
• You send your kids to US & Australia just so they can go to school.
• You go to a park and drink ‘teh botol’.
• You travel to L.A or Sydney from Jakarta more than 3 times a year.
• You mix soccer and boxing at the same time.
• You consume more cloves in your cigarettes than in your food.
• You have more credit cards than your wallet can hold.
• You have a car with 20′ wheels.
• You work for the government to get rich quick.
• Your friends in the US & Australia refer to you as their ‘Indonesian connection.’
• You have been to a motel that can ‘hide’ your car.
• You give guests a roll of toilet paper or a box of facial tissues to wipe their hands after eating.
• You must park within 3 meters of your destination.
• You believe that being overweight is healthy.
• You think that Formaldehyde is a common food preservative.
• You start the engine of your bike or car to warm it up daily, even if you are not going anywhere.
• You prefer shamans over medical experts.
• You are ignorant of the lewd meaning of the English text on your T-shirt.
• You have a Playboy sticker or a sticker of a nude woman on the back of your bike/car.
• Your car or motorbike refuses to travel in a straight line.
• You refuse to turn your headlights on until two hours after nightfall.
• You think sugar is a healthy substance.
• You think it’s ok to travel at 10 kph, with traffic banked up behind you.
• You believe that it is mandatory to change a tyre in the middle of the road.
• You use more than one title before and after your name at unofficial occasions.
• You believe that other people’s lost property automatically becomes yours when you find it.
• Your Wikipedia entries are incomplete and unreliable, except the ones about ghosts and porn actresses.
• You make major decisions based on prestige.
• You use a river as a toilet, a bathroom AND as a place to wash your clothes.
• You roll up the lower part of your T-shirt to crop out your belly.
• You still think that a Harley Davidson is an aspirational motorcycle.
• You think food tastes better with chili sauce added to it.
• Your local internet cafe’s compete with each other by hosting vast amounts of porn on their network drives.
• Your main activity during a date with your lover is texting your friends.
• You borrow money to buy things to impress your neighbors.
• You consider a one night stand to be a temporary marriage.
• You enjoy walking at a snail’s pace.
• You tend to stop in the middle of a pathway to check your phone or bag.
• You carry a camera with you on most occasions.
• You enjoy taking 10 pictures of approximately the same pose.
• You make extreme facial expression when you talk (like the actresses on sinetron).
• You believe being white is “cleaner”.
• You think the crime of embezzlement can be absolved if you just return the unspent portion of the money.
• You find it normal that it’s necessary that armed, private guards patrol your neighborhood by night.
• You prefer buying products that say ‘contains REAL sugar’.
• You believe that theft and deceit are ok as long as you don’t get caught.
• You stick Honda stickers on your cheap, Chinese motorbike to deceive your neighbors.
• You bring everybody… dad, mom, grandpa, grandma, cousins, sister, son, daughter, nephew, niece, maid, nanny, etc. to malls.

Some humor from a posting on the soc.culture.indonesia newsgroup and added to from subsequent postings on the Expat Forum.

A mini glossary