Editor’s Note :
This article is a personal opinion column by Aida Greenbury, originally published in The Jakarta Post. It reflects the author’s observations, humor, and social experiences at the time it was written. The situations described relate to a particular social circle and should not be interpreted as representative of Indonesian society or relationships as a whole. Views on friendships between men and women vary widely across Indonesia’s diverse communities and generations.
Let me tell you how Jenny’s boyfriend reacts every time she has a new “nice” male friend to hang out with. He narrows his eyes, his right hand reaches up to his nose and scratches it as if it is itchy, and his face reddens for a couple of minutes. I could almost see the adrenaline filling up his blood vessels.
His alarm bell goes wild!
But I can completely understand it. What else do men possess in their lives more than a smart, attractive, funny, and loving woman? If we put golf, wrestling nights, and long conversations over a beer aside, of course.
To learn that a male stranger has made an intrusion—no matter how innocent—into his marked territory can be just too much to bear for Jenny’s boyfriend. Isn’t it funny? Why can’t some people simply accept friendships between men and women? What is all the fuss about?
The term platonic relationship is commonly used to describe a close friendship between two people without romantic or sexual involvement. But is pure friendship with the opposite sex really possible?
Many of us would immediately answer “yes.” Yet human relationships are rarely that simple. While popular books such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus suggested that men and women naturally approach relationships differently, modern psychology recognizes that personalities, life experiences, and individual values often play a much larger role than gender alone.
Still, maintaining a friendship where both people remain completely on the same page can sometimes be challenging.
A close comparison to a platonic relationship is two mature Chihuahuas stuck in a box, one male and one female. At first, they get along fine, minding their own private business. Then they grow to like each other, scratching each other’s backs like perfect ladies and gentlemen. But the more time they spend together (say, for this breed—maybe three hours?), the more they realise they both have undeniable biological urges. And then it rocks the box.
Another description I once read compared the temptation to cross the friendship line to craving junk food at three o’clock in the morning after dancing all night. You don’t actually need it—but it certainly has an undeniable appeal.
It can also be difficult for particularly attractive people to maintain uncomplicated friendships. Why? Well, the information captured by your eyes travels through your nerves into your brain. Your brain reacts and sometimes sends its instructions to… well… the wrong organ.
Take the television series Friends. I have no idea why they still called it Friends. The producers could easily have renamed it Three Guys and Three Girls Who Eventually Start Sleeping With Each Other. Although perhaps that title was a little too long.
Why do Monica and Chandler end up together? Why Ross and Rachel? Maybe because they were simply too unrealistically good-looking to stay “just friends.” Which is perfectly acceptable on television—otherwise perhaps nobody would have kept watching. Maybe what the writers really wanted to illustrate was that friendship can sometimes involve more risks than we like to admit.
Friendships involving married people or those already in committed relationships can sometimes be easier, provided they have healthy relationships with their partners and do not choose people who enjoy creating drama.
Several important factors contribute to a successful platonic friendship. The basic rule is that both parties enter the friendship without hidden agendas. Both—or at least one—must have enough discipline to establish clear boundaries and remind the other where those boundaries are.
Phew! I’m already feeling exhausted. It sounds less like preparing for a pleasant friendship and more like preparing for battle.
Some women also enjoy being admired. Feeling attractive and appreciated can encourage flirtatious behaviour toward their so-called male friends. Sometimes this becomes a confusing game, where one person offers romantic attention one day only to retreat firmly back into the friendship zone the next.
Personally, I find that rather unfair. It leaves the other person wondering exactly where they stand.
Of course, everything changes if one person develops genuine feelings for the other. Perhaps there was never any hidden agenda in the beginning. Sometimes emotions simply grow naturally as people spend more time together.
What should you do then?
If the feelings are one-sided, silence is often the safest option. Declaring your love may permanently change the friendship unless, of course, the other person feels exactly the same—and usually there are clues if that’s the case.
If you do find yourself falling for your platonic friend, here are two pieces of advice.
First, never take advantage when she cries on your shoulder about problems with her boyfriend. Comfort her like a genuine friend. Fantasising about her while enjoying the fragrance of her shampoo during a comforting hug is definitely crossing the line.
Second, never—let me repeat, never—get drunk and confess your feelings.
If you do, deny everything the following morning.
You could always say something like, “I wasn’t quite myself last night. I probably said a few things I wouldn’t normally have said after too much wine.”
Perhaps that’s not too cruel.
Finally, I sometimes ask myself, why do we need platonic relationships at all?
As a woman, my answer is simple.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a good friend who doesn’t gossip about you behind your back, who doesn’t borrow your favourite dress and forget to return it, and who certainly doesn’t borrow your lipstick when he has the flu?
By Aida Greenbury
First published in The Jakarta Post.
