Editor’s Note:
This opinion column by Aida Greenbury reflects one individual’s personal views on gender roles, sexuality, and relationships at the time it was written. Indonesian society continues to encompass a wide range of beliefs influenced by religion, culture, family values, education, and changing social attitudes. The article is presented as a historical opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of Living in Indonesia.
“If you are not going to marry me by the end of this year, I’ll go to my other boyfriend in Holland. He’ll marry me – yes, he will. And that will be the end of our relationship, you hear me?” Yayuk, the twenty-something-year-old woman screamed at her boyfriend.
John, shocked to finally realise that there had been a guy from the other side of the world sitting in the back row all along, couldn’t say anything but: “Yes, it’s over. Go ahead, run to your spare tyre.”
Yayuk was speechless. She obviously knew that her trick hadn’t worked on her boyfriend, with whom she had been living for the past six months. She felt thankful that there was still her good old loyal second boyfriend waiting for her in the windmill country. Fine, he might already have one foot in the grave compared to her current young American stud, John. But she had tried her best, and now it seemed she had to settle for less.
“Playing smart – double dipping, eh? Cheap woman!” hissed John as soon as Yayuk walked out the door.
Anita has a different story. Starting when she was only seventeen years old, she slept with more than half a dozen different men before eventually settling down with her current husband. She confided in me that her past behaviour was definitely not accepted by the local culture, but at the time she felt she had no other choice.
“I was probably searching for true love – the perfect Prince Charming. It seemed impossible to prove my feelings – my genuine love – without sleeping with them. I didn’t do it for fun, lust, let alone for money. Of course I never told my husband about those experiences. He wouldn’t accept it. He might think that I was a cheap woman or something,” Anita admitted.
She obviously didn’t realise that having sex with a man doesn’t necessarily help him fall in love, make her more special to him, save a failing relationship, or guarantee a commitment will follow. In fact, when a man is serious about a woman, he may be willing to wait a long time for sex. Some would even wait until marriage. Anita might have been desperate, though it was still her right to make those choices. Don’t men commonly behave the same way—albeit often for different reasons?
The question is: why is it that if a woman has sex outside marriage with more than one man she is labelled a slut, while if a man spends half of his life sleeping around with more than a dozen women it is often considered normal, or even expected as proof of masculinity? It is a phenomenon that has troubled me for quite a while.
A good friend once asked why I feel more comfortable being friends with men than with women who have very liberal sexual lifestyles. I was puzzled for a few minutes before reaching a conclusion.
Reason number one is that I am a woman—and quite proud of it. Women carry the symbols of purity, dignity, and many other sacred titles. The bond among women in society makes me feel that women should behave accordingly—to be pure and dignified.
Reason number two is that, as long as the man in my own life is not a member of that morally questionable group, then I don’t give a darn. I think some men still maintain certain ancestral barbaric traits. They’ve got the urge to mate without feelings being involved. Why? I consider male society to be a kind of alien from a different gene pool that is not related to female society in general—or to me. They simply seem to live by different moral standards.
I’ll give you an example. One male friend, who happened to still be married, told me about his experience with a prostitute disguised as a masseuse at a health centre a few weeks earlier, including how much she charged him for the “special service” he received. My reply was surprising. I simply laughed at him, told him how silly he had been, and that was that. I said to myself that his behaviour suited him well—he’s a man, what do you expect? Do you think I would have had the same reaction toward a woman who had gone astray?
Is it wrong to expect women to be virgins and pure while accepting men being just the opposite? Is it backward thinking? A return to medieval values?
Why men behave the way they do—God knows. But it is also true that purity has been important to many men throughout recorded history. In fact, several thousand years ago, the ancient Greeks encouraged homosexual relationships among men so that there would be virgins available for marriage. What a huge sacrifice for them to make—not so for the homosexuals, of course. This was certainly not a perfect solution.
The award-winning comedy Sex and the City explores the sexual and social lives of four single women searching for their own versions of happily-ever-after. Men come and go. Nothing can keep these women apart as they stand united in their quest for love, sex, and power. In every episode, each woman has different lovers who never stay for long because of their quirky flaws.
The television series became almost a religion in some countries. The story presents what many viewed as the perfect heroines of the twenty-first century. Is this a prototype of emancipation or a competition in immorality? But then again—who am I to talk about morality anyway?
by Aida Greenbury
First published in The Jakarta Post.
