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You Might be an Indonesia, If ...

Here are a few things I picked up from trying to be an Indonesian...

You might be Indonesian if:

  1. Your stomach growls when you don't eat rice for a day.
  2. You believe kecap ABC could turn bad cooking to gourmet food.
  3. You know more than 10 acronyms/abbreviations.
  4. You talk during a movie.
  5. You use a dipper instead of toilet paper in the bathroom.
  6. You eat fried rice in the morning.
  7. You prefer Versace or Moschino jeans over Gap or Levi's.
  8. You don't think Jim Carrey is funny.
  9. You think Onky Alexander is a hunk.
  10. You think Rhoma Irama is kampungan.
  11. You carry a 16 oz. jar of sambal to where ever you travel.
  12. Driving a car that is cheaper than $15,000 embarrasses you.
  13. You think dangdut is stupid, but listen to it anyway, because you are homesick.
  14. You are willing to travel 25 miles to buy tahu and tempeh.
  15. You are "Dreaming of a WARM Christmas".
  16. You are very good at avoiding potholes and other road hazards.
  17. Your local McDonald's serves rice and sambal.
  18. You think Super Mie is a staple food.
  19. You have ever tried passing a Rp 50 coin as a quarter in a US vending machine or pay phone.
  20. You have ever successfully bribed a police officer.
  21. You have ever successfully bribed a customs officer.
  22. When watching TV you regularly find that all the channels broadcast the same thing.
  23. You do your shopping in Singapore.
  24. Your drivers license claims you are 5 years older then you really are.
  25. You have ever legally bought pirated software or VCDs.
  26. You have ever been forced to memorize UUD'45.
  27. You have bought something from a barefooted street peddler.
  28. You know exactly how many islands Indonesia has.
  29. You have ever eaten something sold off a cart on wheels.
  30. You realized that money is everything before you were six.
  31. The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word "Jakarta" is "macet".
  32. Someone you know has ever ridden on top of a train.
  33. Your daily commute includes thinking up new ways to ride the city bus for free.
  34. You don't mind people being late.
  35. You think standing in line is a waste of time.
  36. You have tried every Monday of your youth trying to avoid upacara bendera.
  37. You have used a mosquito repellent that looks like a coil and is lit on one end.
  38. You use the terms "Ni yee", "cai-lah" and "Ih, jijay" on daily basis.
  39. You know what Pancasila is, what it means and know it by heart.
  40. You complain that movies in America don't have sub-titles.
  41. Your daily conversation may include enactments of TV commercials.
  42. You have ever consulted a dukun.
  43. Your whole class has ever cheated on a test, and gotten away with it.
  44. You have ever spent the night before an exam looking for someone who sells the questions.
  45. You like the smell of terasi.
  46. You think the Thomas Cup is equal to the Super Bowl.
  47. You can name a manufacturer of shuttlecocks and badminton birdies.
  48. You have a 16' satellite dish hidden in your back yard.
  49. You have ever ridden in a motor vehicle with three wheels.
  50. You miss your maid on laundry day.
  51. Your clothing has brand names printed on it that are visible from 50' away.
  52. You attend weddings only until you are done eating.
  53. You have attended weddings that you are not invited to.
  54. You go to McDonald's to get your weekly supply of ketchup, salt, pepper and napkins.
  55. You know more than one music group that stole the tune of Cranberries' "Zombie".
  56. You have a can of Baygon on your kitchen table.
  57. You make major decisions based on gengsi.
  58. You take advantage of Wal-Mart's 30-day money-back guarantee to "borrow" home appliances.
  59. Someone in your family has extra pockets in his outfit to hide cookies from the all-you-can-eat bar.
  60. You have paid more then $1,000 to get your name on your license plate.
  61. You carry your hand phone always, even to a 'no service' area.
  62. You think bribery as a 'tip in advance'.
  63. You think of the road as a place to park.
  64. You fly Garuda just to get to know the stewardesses.
  65. You send your kids to US & Australia just so they can go to school.
  66. You go to a park and drink 'teh botol'.
  67. You travel to L.A or Sydney from Jakarta more than 3 times a year.
  68. You mix soccer and boxing at the same time.
  69. You consume more cloves in your cigarettes than in your food..
  70. You have more credit cards than your wallet can hold.
  71. You have a car with 20' wheels.
  72. You work for the government to get rich quick.
  73. Your friends in the US & Australia refer to you as their 'Indonesian connection.'
  74. You have been to a motel that can 'hide' your car.
  75. You give guests a roll of toilet paper or a box of facial tissues to wipe their hands after eating.
  76. You must park within 3 meters of your destination
  77. You believe that being overweight is healthy
  78. You think that Formaldehyde is a common food preservative
  79. You start the engine of your bike or car to warm it up daily, even if you are not going anywhere
  80. You prefer shamans over medical experts
  81. You are ignorant of the lewd meaning of the English text on your T-shirt
  82. You have a Playboy sticker or a a sticker of a nude woman on the back of your bike/car
  83. Your car or motorbike refuses to travel in a straight line
  84. You refuse to turn your headlights on until two hours after nightfall
  85. You think sugar is a healthy substance
  86. You think it's ok to travel at 10kph, with traffic banked up behind you
  87. You believe that it is mandatory to change a tyre in the middle of the road
  88. You use more than one title before and after your name at unofficial occasions
  89. You believe that other people's lost property automatically becomes yours when you find it
  90. Your Wikipedia entries are incomplete and unreliable, except the ones about ghosts and porn actresses
  91. You make major decisions based on prestige
  92. You use a river as a toilet, a bathroom AND as a place to wash your clothes
  93. You roll up the lower part of your T-shirt to crop out your belly
  94. You still think that a Harley Davidson is an aspirational motorcycle
  95. You think food tastes better with chili sauce added to it
  96. Your local internet cafe's compete with each other by hosting vast amounts of porn on their network drives
  97. Your main activity during a date with your lover is texting your friends
  98. You borrow money to buy things to impress your neighbors
  99. You consider a one night stand to be a temporary marriage
  100. You enjoy walking at a snail's pace
  101. You tend to stop in the middle of a pathway to check your phone or bag
  102. You carry a camera with you on most occasions
  103. You enjoy taking 10 pictures of approxiately the same pose
  104. You make extreme facial expression when you talk (like the actresses on sinetron)
  105. You believe being white is "cleaner"
  106. You think the crime of embezelment can be absolved if you just return the unspent portion the money.
  107. You find it normal that it's necessary that armed, private guards patrol your neighborhood by night.
  108. You prefer buying products that say 'contains REAL sugar'
  109. You believe that theft and deceit are ok as long as you don't get caught
  110. You stick Honda stickers on your cheap, Chinese motorbike to deceive your neighbors
  111. You bring everybody... dad, mom, grandpa, grandma, cousins, sister, son, daughter, nephew, niece, maid, nanny, etc to malls

**Some humor from a posting on the soc.culture.indonesia newsgroup and added to from subsequent postings on the Expat Forum**

A mini glossary

Baygon A popular brand of insect spray
Dangdut A popular form of Indonesian music
Dukun Shaman or witch doctor
Gengsi Ego or pride
Kampungan From a lower class neighborhood/lifestyle/way of thinking
Kecap Soy sauce
Macet Traffic jam
Pancasila The national philosophy, or five principles
Sambal Chili sauce, a necessary condiment for most Indonesian dishes
Super Mie A brand of prepared noodles
Tahu Soy Bean Curd, an Indonesian staple
Teh botol A popular brand of bottled tea
Tempeh Soy Bean Cake, an Indonesian staple
Terasi Shrimp paste
Upacara bendera Flag raising ceremony
UUD'45 The Indonesian constitution