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You May Be A Resident of A Large City in SE Asia if...

You now purchase cigarettes singly, not by the pack.
On the street you avoid running over cats when previously they were the target.
You can no longer reverse a car without the parking man's assistance.
You charge your mother-in-law transport money to take her to a place you were already going to.
Your most prized possession is a plastic whistle.
You want to import a metal whistle.
You take your shoes off in the office and put on flip-flops.
When you arrive at work you clock in then go out to buy and eat breakfast.
You spend an extra 2 hours in traffic per day to avoid paying Rp 3,000 in toll charges.
You spell everything phonetically.
Your children have to earn their own pocket money on a street corner singing.
You can't drive without sounding the horn.
You no longer pay any attention to someone sounding the car horn.
You laugh at the local humor on television.
You charge your housemaid 10% interest per month on any loans.
You think it is normal for a household of 5 people to use 45 kg of sugar per month.
When another expat talks to you in English you answer in Bahasa Indonesia.
You understand Indonesian politics.
You go to morning prayers.
You need to set the alarm to wake up for morning prayers.
You want to study Arabic.
You prefer to eat spicy instant noodles for breakfast instead of cereal and milk
You put chili sauce on your pizza
You have occasionally bought a week's worth of shampoo in single use packets
You have a favorite Lux soap commercial (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
You get on a public bus that has a clearly marked sign "near or far, Rp 700" and you try to haggle the fare down to Rp 500 on the grounds that you aren't going very far-all to save yourself 2 cents.
When dressing up to go to a wedding, you reach for your silk batik shirt instead of your suit and tie.
Your favorite restaurant is a table covered with a plastic tarp by the side of the road.
You need to ask your babysitter what your child is saying, because you aren't sure if it's meaningless baby talk or Javanese.
You can identify the food sold by each passing food vendor--without getting out of your chair--by the different noise the vendor is tapping noises they make as they wander through your neighborhood.
You swear each morning that no death is too good for the roti man
You think nothing of asking complete strangers how much their watch costs
You can't understand why your Mum doesn't want your new recipe for fish head curry
You know exactly which pair of flip-flop sandals is yours from the 75 pairs outside your door
You still think Mrs. Walker is the landlady at the Rover's Return
You apply to be a contestant on "Famili 100" because winning a box of Supermie and a tin of paint would be cool
You can filter the black sludge in the bottom of your kopi tubruk through your lips until it's dry, without getting a single grain in your mouth (or your lips wet)
You are embarrassed to ask whether meat-free soya Bacon Bits are halal
You buy cabe rawit by the kilo, and beras by pallet-load
You think the guy in the white coat on the Vegeta commercial is a real doctor
You own more than three articles of Mickey Mouse clothing
You try to bargain a discount off the price of your cinema tickets
You wonder what you ever used to see in the Rolling Stones
You think the air smells funny in Singapore
You no longer get mad at the maid for leaving the mosquito door open, even though you told her 17 times a day for four years to "SHUT THE F****** DOOR!!!!"
You think filter cigarettes are girly
It no longer puzzles you why the maid buys 3 different kinds of coffee - one for you, one for visitors and one for the driver
When someone gives you a present on your birthday, you thank them and open it a couple of days later
You always pay your water, telephone and electricity bills at the post office, but you have no idea where the post office is
You think "Femina" magazine borders on the pornographic
When your fellow foreign friends come over, you turn on the AC and wear two sweaters
Every door, cupboard and cabinet in your house has a lock, and is kept locked.
You think it is waaayyyyy cool to put Winnie the Pooh stickers on a 500SL
Your hair is jet black, and always will be.
Your daughter thinks skin whitening cream will turn her into Britney Spears
Your passport/ID photos are twenty five years old
You feel the safest place to store your car is in the front room, locked and with the alarm activated.
Everyone on your TV set carries a microphone
Every other programme/advert features a precocious brat with woolen headwear
The rest feature overweight pre-pubescent girls
Your favourite TV programmes all feature the dialogue "Uh. Ooof . . uh uh UH uh UH . . nyeehah".
Co-incidentally, so do your favourite movies
You think it. s cool to smoke in a swimming pool
You think it looks waaaayyyyy cool flicking the fag end into the pool
You find nothing wrong at all with throwing bottles out of car windows
You think Michael Learns to Rock are innovative
You wonder why no one has ever heard of them outside of Indonesia
Your hopes and aspirations in life all revolve around Nokia
You are willing to pay a fortune to get your fat, talentless kid on TV
You have no idea at all what this is about

Humorous insights to life in Indonesia contributed by Dave Cook, Tungin Cik, MS, and Austasia