You Might be an Indonesia, If ...
Here are a few things I picked up from trying to be an Indonesian...
You might be Indonesian if:
- Your stomach growls when you don't eat rice for a day.
- You believe kecap ABC could turn bad cooking to gourmet food.
- You know more than 10 acronyms/abbreviations.
- You talk during a movie.
- You use a dipper instead of toilet paper in the bathroom.
- You eat fried rice in the morning.
- You prefer Versace or Moschino jeans over Gap or Levi's.
- You don't think Jim Carrey is funny.
- You think Onky Alexander is a hunk.
- You think Rhoma Irama is kampungan.
- You carry a 16 oz. jar of sambal to where ever you travel.
- Driving a car that is cheaper than $15,000 embarrasses you.
- You think dangdut is stupid, but listen to it anyway, because you are homesick.
- You are willing to travel 25 miles to buy tahu and tempeh.
- You are "Dreaming of a WARM Christmas".
- You are very good at avoiding potholes and other road hazards.
- Your local McDonald's serves rice and sambal.
- You think Super Mie is a staple food.
- You have ever tried passing a Rp 50 coin as a quarter in a US vending machine or pay phone.
- You have ever successfully bribed a police officer.
- You have ever successfully bribed a customs officer.
- When watching TV you regularly find that all the channels broadcast the same thing.
- You do your shopping in Singapore.
- Your drivers license claims you are 5 years older then you really are.
- You have ever legally bought pirated software or VCDs.
- You have ever been forced to memorize UUD'45.
- You have bought something from a barefooted street peddler.
- You know exactly how many islands Indonesia has.
- You have ever eaten something sold off a cart on wheels.
- You realized that money is everything before you were six.
- The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word "Jakarta" is "macet".
- Someone you know has ever ridden on top of a train.
- Your daily commute includes thinking up new ways to ride the city bus for free.
- You don't mind people being late.
- You think standing in line is a waste of time.
- You have tried every Monday of your youth trying to avoid upacara bendera.
- You have used a mosquito repellent that looks like a coil and is lit on one end.
- You use the terms "Ni yee", "cai-lah" and "Ih, jijay" on daily basis.
- You know what Pancasila is, what it means and know it by heart.
- You complain that movies in America don't have sub-titles.
- Your daily conversation may include enactments of TV commercials.
- You have ever consulted a dukun.
- Your whole class has ever cheated on a test, and gotten away with it.
- You have ever spent the night before an exam looking for someone who sells the questions.
- You like the smell of terasi.
- You think the Thomas Cup is equal to the Super Bowl.
- You can name a manufacturer of shuttlecocks and badminton birdies.
- You have a 16' satellite dish hidden in your back yard.
- You have ever ridden in a motor vehicle with three wheels.
- You miss your maid on laundry day.
- Your clothing has brand names printed on it that are visible from 50' away.
- You attend weddings only until you are done eating.
- You have attended weddings that you are not invited to.
- You go to McDonald's to get your weekly supply of ketchup, salt, pepper and napkins.
- You know more than one music group that stole the tune of Cranberries' "Zombie".
- You have a can of Baygon on your kitchen table.
- You make major decisions based on gengsi.
- You take advantage of Wal-Mart's 30-day money-back guarantee to "borrow" home appliances.
- Someone in your family has extra pockets in his outfit to hide cookies from the all-you-can-eat bar.
- You have paid more then $1,000 to get your name on your license plate.
- You carry your hand phone always, even to a 'no service' area.
- You think bribery as a 'tip in advance'.
- You think of the road as a place to park.
- You fly Garuda just to get to know the stewardesses.
- You send your kids to US & Australia just so they can go to school.
- You go to a park and drink 'teh botol'.
- You travel to L.A or Sydney from Jakarta more than 3 times a year.
- You mix soccer and boxing at the same time.
- You consume more cloves in your cigarettes than in your food..
- You have more credit cards than your wallet can hold.
- You have a car with 20' wheels.
- You work for the government to get rich quick.
- Your friends in the US & Australia refer to you as their 'Indonesian connection.'
- You have been to a motel that can 'hide' your car.
- You give guests a roll of toilet paper or a box of facial tissues to wipe their hands after eating.
- You must park within 3 meters of your destination
- You believe that being overweight is healthy
- You think that Formaldehyde is a common food preservative
- You start the engine of your bike or car to warm it up daily, even if you are not going anywhere
- You prefer shamans over medical experts
- You are ignorant of the lewd meaning of the English text on your T-shirt
- You have a Playboy sticker or a a sticker of a nude woman on the back of your bike/car
- Your car or motorbike refuses to travel in a straight line
- You refuse to turn your headlights on until two hours after nightfall
- You think sugar is a healthy substance
- You think it's ok to travel at 10kph, with traffic banked up behind you
- You believe that it is mandatory to change a tyre in the middle of the road
- You use more than one title before and after your name at unofficial occasions
- You believe that other people's lost property automatically becomes yours when you find it
- Your Wikipedia entries are incomplete and unreliable, except the ones about ghosts and porn actresses
- You make major decisions based on prestige
- You use a river as a toilet, a bathroom AND as a place to wash your clothes
- You roll up the lower part of your T-shirt to crop out your belly
- You still think that a Harley Davidson is an aspirational motorcycle
- You think food tastes better with chili sauce added to it
- Your local internet cafe's compete with each other by hosting vast amounts of porn on their network drives
- Your main activity during a date with your lover is texting your friends
- You borrow money to buy things to impress your neighbors
- You consider a one night stand to be a temporary marriage
- You enjoy walking at a snail's pace
- You tend to stop in the middle of a pathway to check your phone or bag
- You carry a camera with you on most occasions
- You enjoy taking 10 pictures of approxiately the same pose
- You make extreme facial expression when you talk (like the actresses on sinetron)
- You believe being white is "cleaner"
- You think the crime of embezelment can be absolved if you just return the unspent portion the money.
- You find it normal that it's necessary that armed, private guards patrol your neighborhood by night.
- You prefer buying products that say 'contains REAL sugar'
- You believe that theft and deceit are ok as long as you don't get caught
- You stick Honda stickers on your cheap, Chinese motorbike to deceive your neighbors
- You bring everybody... dad, mom, grandpa, grandma, cousins, sister, son, daughter, nephew, niece, maid, nanny, etc to malls
**Some humor from a posting on the soc.culture.indonesia newsgroup and added to from subsequent postings on the Expat Forum**
A mini glossary
|Baygon||A popular brand of insect spray|
|Dangdut||A popular form of Indonesian music|
|Dukun||Shaman or witch doctor|
|Gengsi||Ego or pride|
|Kampungan||From a lower class neighborhood/lifestyle/way of thinking|
|Pancasila||The national philosophy, or five principles|
|Sambal||Chili sauce, a necessary condiment for most Indonesian dishes|
|Super Mie||A brand of prepared noodles|
|Tahu||Soy Bean Curd, an Indonesian staple|
|Teh botol||A popular brand of bottled tea|
|Tempeh||Soy Bean Cake, an Indonesian staple|
|Upacara bendera||Flag raising ceremony|
|UUD'45||The Indonesian constitution|