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You Might be an American Expat in Indonesia, If ...

  1. You think the lines painted on the roadways mean something.
  2. You think 5-6-97 is actually May 6th.
  3. Your Bahasa Indonesia vocabulary consists of four words, “Mas, mas! Satu lagi”, which you learned in a bar at Blok M.
  4. Your two best Indonesian friends are your driver and your housemaid.
  5. You wonder if it is possible to boil the air.
  6. You think all the security guards in Jakarta work for the same company.
  7. You inquire about a tanning booth before your first trip to Bali.
  8. You make wise cracks about the pictures on the Rp 500 and Rp 50,000 bills.
  9. You tell the boss what you really think.
  10. At lunch you ask for a knife.
  11. Your favourite place to go for Indonesian food is Planet Hollywood.
  12. Your breast pocket contains a small yellow book.
  13. You think the small hose in the bathroom is for cleaning the floor.
  14. You tip waiters at restaurants.
  15. You wake up at 4:30 a.m. thinking you left the television on.
  16. You notice footprints on your toilet seat after your guests leave your home.
  17. You keep your shoes on when you are in the office.
  18. The translation you are given for hari nahas is 'a bad hair day'.
  19. In an emergency you go to dial 911 but you don't know the number.
  20. You show up for meetings on time.
  21. You tuck the tail of your batik shirt into your pants.
  22. You walk close to little old ladies when crossing Jl. Gatot Subroto.
  23. You go to a magazine store and ask for the latest copy of Playboy.
  24. Every time someone lights a cigarette you think of baked ham.
  25. At restaurants, you ask for catsup and get kecap.
  26. You enjoy going to China, especially Singapore.
  27. You wait for everyone to get off the elevator before getting on.
  28. You use the last name when looking up a friend's telephone number.

© Bob Bissinnar